Is your pain helping you to find yourself? - Episode #33
Our spirit has a way of getting our attention, and there are very few motivators as high on the list than chronic pain!
Let me tell you a story that will describe what I am talking about.
When I was a teenager the inner emotional pain was unbearable, but since I felt completely alone and that nobody could ever understand, I just kept breathing, coping, pretending I was ok, and hiding my inner secrets of deep self rejection and hate. Eventually in my late twenties my physical body started to manifest symptoms of my emotional pain. Within a few years of this I began to see life as very grim, like a graph that would show: “this is my current pain and limitations, and in ten years if it keeps going this way, there will be nothing left to live for!”. I was caught deeply in victimhood and could not see any way out. I was in pain all the time, and everything I did to try to heal it just seemed to make it worse. I had to do special exercises to strengthen my back and other joints that were causing issues and that would help for a bit, but the exercises caused inflammation and I would hurt myself again and have to stop. Without the regular exercises, the muscles supporting my joints would get weak and my joints would do their painful popping and inflammation much more again and I would have to start the exercises back up, only to repeat this pattern for years with continuous injuries piling up on top of each other.
Finally one day I just couldn't take it anymore and became uncontrollably enraged and started hitting myself in the head as hard as I could, them my head on the ground to try and make the pain stop. I suddenly just stopped and cried out loud “I give up... I can’t take it anymore!!”, and for the first time ever, I just let everything I knew go and prayed for help out loud! Interestingly I was answered almost immediately when I was drawn raise my head from the ground and remove my hands from covering my face. I saw my grandmother Doreen's face just there looking at me and smiling with the brightest glowing light. She then spoke to me and said: “I love you dear... everything is going to be ok!”
I did not know what to do with that, as she was not really there, as she had passed away years before, but yet she was!…. but I suddenly felt different, better, and with some hope!
That experience broke me wide open, and in the giving up, I asked for something I had never done before, help! but not the regular kind of help, deep spiritual help. I did not understand what happened over the next few weeks, but who I was and everything I knew died and fell away, and a new person emerged that was stronger than ever before, because for the first time, I never felt alone anyone, as I knew my grandmother was with me. You see, when I was growing up, I was raised an Atheist by my father. I grieved the loss of my two grandfathers, and grandmother, but my other grandmother, Doreen, I never felt anything when she passed away, and this puzzled me because I was very close to her. All the sudden I realized that the reason that I never grieved the loss of her was because even though her body left us, she was not gone, as she was always with me in spirit with the same unconditional love she gave to me when she was in body. The spirit world just opened up, as after that I could not hold onto the Atheist belief anymore.
There is a strength within us all that is always there. When you feel more than you can take, and can not do anymore on your own accord, all you have to do is to simply ask, and you will be answered when you are ready to hear!
For me this allowed me to shed the illusions of all the reasons I was unworthy of love, and the belief of being a bad person who deserved to suffer with pain and bad life experiences. I eventually learned how to listen to my source above all, for it knows what is best for us, and when we need strength, all we need to do as ask, and trust with faith that if we follow the instructions that come, we will be more than fine, we will truly find ourselves! For me, my pain was my denial of myself, and through these lessons I have found me, and the pain that was my wall of fear to keep me away from me, is now gone and I am free! It does not mean that there is never any pain or difficulty, but it is very comforting, and even exciting to know that no matter what happens in life, if I just follow my heart and trust my feelings and inner body sensations, I will be ok, I am always amazed at just how good I feel about life and myself for doing so!
What is your pain trying to communicate to you? Please share!